What I Say vs. What They Hear

I think we all have times when the things we say end up meaning different things than what we intended. Lately that's been happening to me more than usual. People hear things differently than how I said them. What I say is in red, what they hear is in blue.

I'm late, I need to go. She would love to hem three more pants before she leaves.

Hand over the (cell phone, iPod, etc.). It's against school rules. If I whine and call her mean she'll let me keep it.

I'm afraid of spiders. I should dangle one by her nose.

I don't feel so well. Want a piece of cake loaded with frosting roses?

I'm too busy to take on another project right now. Her life is mine.

Maybe I should hire an interpreter to flick people's noses when they miss the translation.