How To Make A Median

For the past several weeks construction crews have been replacing the median in perfect view of the window I sit behind. I've mentioned this crew before. The old median needed to be replaced because it was too easy for cars to pull illegal U turns over it. And there weren't any decorative rocks and trees in the middle of it. After watching this process go on for so long I am now convinced that I could be an excellent median replacement boss. All you need to do is follow a few simple steps.


1. Block off traffic.

2. Pull up old median and scrape off all the asphalt under it until you hit dirt.

3. Fill your newly created hole with dirt. Use a vibratory roller to pack it down. (This step is very important. The road won't be right until everyone within 50 feet of the roller feels like their teeth will be rattled out of place.)

4. Fill with more dirt. Roll it flat.

5. Scoop out all the dirt you put in the hole so that only the hole remains.

6. Wait two days.

7. Repeat steps 3 and 4.

8. Fill with asphalt. Roll it flat.

9. Wait two days.

10. Fill with more asphalt and roll it flat.

11. Wait two days.

12. Pound stakes into the asphalt as a stabilizer for the new median.

13. Pour a new cement median using a cement truck and special median forming machinery.

14. Chop divisions in the wet cement.

15. Spray with mystery substance and let dry.

16. Wait a week.

17. Remember that traffic is blocked off and remove the cones, but only from half of the street.

See? It's a simple process. They are still working on the part I can't see that holds the decorative rocks. Now the median is tall and most cars won't drive over it. However, I am patiently waiting for the day when a big truck with a lift will try to go over and high center itself. It will happen. And I will laugh.